Why am I thanking you? You broke my heart into a thousand microscopic pieces that will never be put perfectly in place again. Yet, here I am. Thanking you. You helped me more than you could ever know.
You were my first real girlfriend, and I fell hard. ijust turned 22 and you’re 21.We were young, but we loved. We were something from a movie, like iwas a cheerleader and you were a football star. We were perfect. To this day, I’ve never loved as hard as I did then. That’s the problem. I had never loved or been loved like that before and probably never will again because you were the first person I ever felt love towards. We loved with every inch of our being.
We did every cheesy things that is oh-so embarrassing now. The ‘Good morning mars ko, mua mua soup soup i love you sososo much :*** ‘ texts every morning. The countless hours on the phone every night fighting over who was going to hang up first. Once we even planned a whole future. It was weird, but to me, that was everything
That’s where we went wrong. I thought we were perfect.
We were far from it. Everything was flawed. As bad as I hate to admit it, I was obsessed with you. I wasn’t just the casual girlfriend obsessed. I was madly obsessed. I was crazy girlfriend obsessed. I was full of flaws. I cared far too much I was smothering. I needed to have you 24/7.
That’s where I screwed up.
I started planning our future the minute we hit our one year anniversary.We had made it one whole year. it felt like one year was an eternity and there was no way I could ever see myself with anyone else, It was me and you against the world type. lols
Again, I was far more concerned about our future together than I should have been & You were more concern with who was going to treat for our next date.
That was our difference. I saw forever. You saw someone to hang out with on the weekends. Do I blame you? Then, yes. I totally hated when you would hang out with your friends and not me. Now, no. I hate myself for not being more like you, and hanging out with other people. I wonder all the times in what could have been, if I were a little more like you.
It was March 2015. We hit our first year together.
I was so in love, and I had never needed anyone more in my life than I did at that time. Fast forward to May. Our world was being turned upside down, We were too busy in working our asses off to earn money. We aimed to earn big for our dreams. for you to go back to school ,finish your degree and have a house that we can call ours. Times came that it felt like inever needed you more than i could imagine, but due to our goals i manage to suppress it all but one day you just distanced yourself from me.
i felt so devastated when i heard the real reason why you need to distance yourself, itried to deny it a million times, it felt like iwas unbearable to be around. So idon’t blame you for distancing yourself.
What you did next broke me. I was shattered beyond repair.
Iwas not around with you in a span of two weeks because iwas working my ass out in the office making sure that you’ll be proud of me too (in some way).
That’s all it took. You were gone. I had lost you.
I’ve heard the rumors, but you assured me they weren’t true. Later that day, you told me the truth.
Was she prettier than me? Was she willing to give you something I refused to? Was I not enough for you? You assured me it was meaningless and we would “work through this”
Since my parents are not in good terms, iknow the real meaning of the word “working through things” which didnt & wont happen, but I believed you because I was in love. Then you ruined me.
Through a quick meet up.
A year and few months of love, it all ends in a 30min meetup.
ihad so much to ask,so much to clarify and so much to tell but you said you have to go. frm there it all ended.
You left me hanging.You left me in the middle of my friends choosing to not be friends with me.
How could you?
What kind of soulless monster could just leave the love of their life in the midst of a crisis without even a phone call?
But you weren’t a soulless monster. You were just a young girl.
I had made us to be the family I longed for. While mine at home was broken, I used you to fantasize about the family I needed. You weren’t innocent. You contributed to my ideas and grand vision. You promised me we would never be like them.
You promised me forever. Forever ended.
It was me against the world. I had next to no one. I had abandoned all of my friends to spend every waking hours with you. I was alone in my darkest hour.
This is why I am thanking you.
You gave me independence. You gave me courage. You gave me freedom. You gave me power. You gave me strength. You gave me things I could never give myself.
I got through the hardest thing in my life alone. For a very long time, I hated you. I despised you with every inch of my being.
Over time, I came to realize you made me ‘ME’. For that I thank you.
Thank you for shattering me at rock bottom. From rock bottom, I climbed to the top. Alone.
Now, I’m 23. We are each others pasts, and that is where we will stay.
So, to my forever mars, to my first girlfriend, I can never thank you enough. You took me from needy little girl, and helped mold me into the unstoppable, independent, strong-willed, determined, free spirited, feminist powerhouse, super woman I am today.
For that, I am forever grateful.
PS. I don’t miss the emotional abuse, but I do miss having you by my side. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss the way you used to look at me, all warm and glowing like you were the sun and I was the earth, and that’s how it was for a year that we’ve been together.
Thanks for the wild ride, mars. You’ll always hold a piece of my heart.