Ang bigat. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang gagawin o iisipin.


May mga bagay kasi sa buhay ko na gusto kong i-settle pero alam kong hindi naman na maaayos dahil hindi ko naman mako-control ang nararamdaman ng iba. Ang hirap ayusin ang isang bagay na ayaw nang ayusin na.

People come and go nga talaga. Ang hirap pigilan ng isang taong umalis ng buhay mo. Wala ka nang magagawa kundi ang tingnan sila habang umaalis sa buhay mo. Oo, sinusubukan kong huwag lumingon. Huwag tumingin o pansinin man lang ang pagkawala niya o nila.

Inhale. Exhale. Nakakapagod din pala. Pero naisip ko, may tatlong uri ng problema: yung may magagawa ka at talagang mababago mo, may magagawa ka pero hindi na magbabago at yung wala ka nang magagawa at wala nang magbabago.


Sinubukan ko na. Wala talaga eh. Ganun talaga. Ang last thing na lang na gagawin ko ay tanggapin at mag-move on. Hindi lang sila ang tao sa buhay ko. Oo, masakit pero kailangang tanggapin.



Love, Wer yu at?

I used to believe that when love arrives, we’ll know that it has.

Not that there are signs that point you to get to that conclusion, but because it just feels right and because somehow things are enough. But I should’ve known that there’s always that one thing, one person who’ll go against the rules we’ve set for ourselves and prove us we’re wrong to stick to them.

That’s exactly what you did for me. You walked right into my life, and I didn’t know that that moment would make a big difference a few months later. You made me believe in myself, that I could do it, and that I’d be fine just by standing beside me or behind me, cheering me on. You made me laugh when I was about to cry whenever I encounter a teeny tiny thing that reminded me of the life I used to know so well. You became my best friend, my partner in crime, my confidant.

We were slow, steady, and sure. The void in my heart that I used to want to fill with anything temporary slowly healed. And you made me realize that I don’t really need someone, anyone to do that, because it’s a fact of life that we have anything and everything we need within our reach. You made me realize that I’m capable and that I will always, always be enough. I didn’t know what was happening and didn’t even realize how our dynamic changed. We both didn’t know, but that’s what made this work, I guess. hihi ♥

I’ll never know when or how we started, and when or how you and me became us. Not that it really matters, but whenever I look back, I end up shaking my head and asking myself, “How did I never know?” How did I never know that the one thing I’ve been looking for was right there beside me all along?

From that moment on, I knew that when love arrives, we sometimes don’t know that it already has. Maybe because there’s a line we both know we should never cross, just not yet, so you settle on being best friends first and set your feelings aside for now. Maybe because we both don’t know what’s really going on underneath everything. Maybe because one or both of us are scared of the past that lurks in a corner whenever we attempt to get past it.  But maybe it also takes two scared persons to be brave and to make things work.

And maybe not knowing is somehow okay because that gives both of you a blank page to work on when your time finally comes.

The thing is, we don’t always know when love arrives. Sometimes even love doesn’t know that it has already arrived or that it has finally found its home. Because sometimes, love also takes its time but the wait will always, always be worth it. 🙂



HELLO 2016! ♥

Okay, I’ll be honest with you. You scared me at first.

I was scared because I didn’t feel ready. Because my 2015 New Year’s resolution list was barely accomplished. Because I looked at you before and all I saw was fog—as if I had a vague future with you. See, you brought with you good-byes in the form of break up and carried with you a ton of anxiety in the form of career path soul searching.

As you approached, my heart thumped louder than the fireworks. My head screamed along with the chants: three, I hope time would stop, two, universe please slow down, and one—Um, hi 2016.

So if you didn’t notice, my palms were sweaty as I shook your hand. As you hugged me hello, it felt like suffocation.

I was scared of you.

And yet, you held my hand and brought me to numerous places I could call home. You helped me explore the Earth and meet a ton of people. You gave me adventures. And for that I am thankful. In our 365 days together— such a short time in this planet’s timeline—you gave me a sense of infinity.

Even in my rough moments with you—painful, lonely, tragic moments—I am thankful. Because now, as we depart, you are leaving me with so much strength. I don’t have to cover my ears as the fireworks shoot to the sky, and now, I can happily chant with the people: three, you’ve been great, two, I’m excited, and one—hello, 2016. I’m glad I can finally meet you!

You were spectacular, 2015. Thank you. ♥




Bakit nga kaya dumadating tayo sa puntong kailangan nating iwan ang mga taong masyado tayong sinaktan? Bakit kaya hahantong sa kalimutan ang isang magandang pinagsamahan? Maraming tanong na bakit? Pero hindi masagot ng simpleng


Ilang kaibigan na nga kaya ang nawala sa atin? Ilang kaibigan na nga kaya ang akala nila naalala mo pa sila pero hindi na pala? Gaano kahirap mang hula ng mga bagay tulad ng mahalaga ka pa ba sa kanila? Naalala ka pa ba nila? Kilala ka pa ba nila? O ikaw lang ang nag-iisip ng mga magugulong bagay kaya na prapraning ka sa kanila?

Bakit kailangan minsan humantong sa kalimutan? Hindi na ba kinaya ng magandang usapan? Kaya isang paspasang kalimutan na lang? May mga kaibigan na nananatiling kaibigan, mga kaibigan na abala din sa kani kanilang buhay, mga kaibigan na sadyang maasahan, tulad mo, tulad ka rin nila. Mga taong nag-aabang ng atensyon, mga taong ang hihintayan kung sino ang mauunang mangamusta at marami pang iba.

Minsan nawawala ang pagkakaibigan sa oras na nagkaka aminan na, ayaw ng maging kaibigan, pero gusto naman maging magkasintahan, pero hindi uubra ang gusto ng isa tapos ayaw naman ng isa, kung babalansehin eh mas mabigat ang ayaw sa gusto. Lagi namang ganun, kaya sa huli? Nawawala ang pakiramdam at pagkakaibigan.

Maraming katanungan na wala pa ring kasagutan. Kailan natin malalaman? Sa oras ba na huli na ang lahat? O sa oras na hindi pa huli ang lahat pero hindi ito umayon sa iyong inaasahan?

Sa dami ng tanong.. Mabuti na nga lang sigurong magkalimutan na lang.




Kung sakaling iwanan ka n’ya ‘wag kang mag aalala nandito lang ako, handa akong makinig sa istorya mong pangteleserye buong magdamag, ‘yung balikat ko hindi ‘yan mangangalay pag sinandalan mo, handa ang mga kamay ko pang punas sa mga luha mo, hindi kita iiwanan hanggat makatulog ka sa tabi ko.

Pangako ko sayo, hinding hindi ako aalis sa tabi mo, pipilitin kong makinig kahit inaantok na ako, pipilitin ko parin tingnan yung mga mata mo kahit hindi ko kaya, dahil ayaw kong makitang nasasaktan ka. Yayakapin kita ng mahigpit ng parang walang katapusan. hindi ko bibitawan ang mga kamay mo, basta tawagin mo lang ako kapag sinaktan ka nya, kahit ang totoo mas nauna mo akong sinaktan dahil mas pinili mo s’ya.



I don’t understand why some people think that since someone hurt you, you need to hurt them back to show them how it feels. That just makes you exactly like them, you should never want to hurt someone, even if they hurt you. Be the better person.


Cold. Heartless. Callous. Jaded. Alone.


Here is the story of a girl who has lived anything but a fairytale. Instead, she got her heart broken one too many times, trusted too many times, chose the wrong person too many times.

Once upon a time, this girl was probably normal… if you can call it that. Willing to trust, willing to love, willing to let herself be candid with someone. But, following that came the heartbreak, the betrayal, the rejection. Take this story and multiply it by five or 10, and you have the finished product: a heartless, jaded girl.

She safeguards her heart like no tomorrow and would rather perish than show any semblance of emotion. Not even a fairy godmother can fix her.

This girl who was once capable of love and feelings is now iced over and has no intention of showing her heart. She’s unable to let people in, does not know what communication and intimacy are beyond the physical and sexual level and has subconsciously protected her heart with the same level of the Swiss Guard.

She is either always in a f*ck-buddy type of situation or alone. She could be beautiful and warm on the outside, but inside, she’s cold because that’s what years of heartbreak will do to a girl.

She won’t text you first, not because she’s playing the game, but because she’s afraid. She won’t ask you personal questions out of fear that you’ll push her away. She’s grown accustomed to rejection, so she does all she can to avoid it.

Many people believe getting hurt will coerce you to grow and realize what you deserve. Realistically, though, being hurt can either stunt your growth by making you incapable of feeling or create a standard so high that even Prince Charming won’t be able to fulfill it.

The heartless girl is the one who has rendered herself incapable of sympathy and feelings. Opening up is bullsh*t to her and feelings are for the weak.

The physicality is temporarily enough for her, but secretly, she wants more, which is why she continuously gets her heart smashed into a million pieces when a guy tires of her. This leads her to benders and bad decisions for as long as it takes her to freeze over her heart once more.

She blames the guy, but half the time, it’s her fault.

When you’re cold, it’s truly difficult to communicate your feelings to people. This is why the series of friends-with-benefits and could-have-beens turn into nothing but sex. She pursues these endeavors because she believes sex is the only way in without exposing herself.

She has been in this situation one too many times, which is why it is a familiar place. The fear of standing up for how she really feels will not only show emotion, but also potentially lead to the loss of a person, and that’s the last thing she wants.

The heartless girl likes to live in the moment and savor the semblance of the “relationship” she has. She’d rather hold on to what’s good now instead of trying to grow and risk losing it.

She wants to be loved for being heartless, cold and jaded. The thing is, it rarely ever happens. She has taken risks previously and decided not to act in the same manner she deemed as foolish before.

Why wait for her glass slipper when there is no prince to bring it to her?

She’s brainwashed herself to believe emotions are for the weak, and after years of repeating it to herself, she stands by it. She believes she doesn’t care and that’s enough for her.

She wants someone to protect her, love her and never let her go, but past experiences have demonstrated that is unlikely for her. She’s too afraid of feelings and vulnerability associated with revealing things about herself.

It is a protective mechanism that causes the downfall of many of her relationships. Being heartless and cold after many years of painful, often self-induced heartbreak is why she is unable to share a real connection.

Getting to know more about a person makes you fall for him or her. Sex can only fulfill lust and infatuation, but it doesn’t fill the void of foundations you need to have to pursue anything beyond that.

To her, taking the next step and making a connection feels like giving herself to someone.

Feeling rejected is similar to the feeling naked and embarrassed. There is nothing worse to her than giving and not receiving anything in return. This is why, over the years, she has pushed away her feelings and emotions and acted like she hasn’t cared. She’s conditioned herself not to care.

She does it to protect herself from all the romance bullsh*t, and she knows there is no happily-ever-after for her, anyway.

Heartbreak has rendered her almost incapable of love and emotion because she never wants to feel that sharp pain pressing against her chest. She never wants to waste all those tissue boxes, puffy eyes or dazed days when she can’t forget his existence.

It took her so long to get back to being strong and independent (on the outside at least), so to her, no emotion is better than picking herself back up.






Naniniwala ako sa karma.


Na kung ano ang ibigay mo sa kalawakan ay siyang ibabalik nito sa’yo nang may interes pang kasama. Ilang beses ko nang isinilid sa garapon ang puso ko at itinapon ito sa dagat sa pag-asa na may makakahanap sa kanya at magbabalik sa akin nito ng buo pa.


Pero ang tagal na at wala pa akong nakukuha.


Kaya kung sakali lang na makita mo ang puso ko na inanod sa aplaya; iniisip kung anong gagawin sa kanya – itatabi, itatapon o ipagsasawalang-bahala, maghihintay ako sa desisyon mo.


Maniwala ka sa’kin. Maghihintay ako.


Ibalik mo sana.



uhmmm. i miss the old you, because the new one sucks.

I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you.

How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did.

I’ve memorized your face and the way that you look at mine. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine.

I wonder what will happen the next time we are together and even though neither of us know what the future holds, I know one thing for sure; you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me.